People raise their eyebrows when I tell them. Some gasp. Others hold their mugs a little closer, as if shielding them from the crazy girl.
It’s true. I don’t like coffee.
I don’t stop at Starbucks in the morning. I don’t eat coffee-flavored ice cream or candy. You can be sure I’m not getting one of those coffee-scented candles.
I’ve tried to appreciate coffee. I really have. I’ve sipped it, trying to keep my grimace at bay. I’ve tried to understand the almost-addict culture surrounding the hot drink. But it’s no use.
Eventually, I realized there’s no reason I need to appreciate coffee. Let people think that I’m some sort of caffeine-hater when the truth is, I really just can’t stand the bitter taste. And I thought I was alone until I read this.
Fellow coffeeless writers! You exist too. So in honor of anyone who doesn’t like coffee or mocha or even the coffee-flavored frothy drinks that Starbucks sells for $5, I’ve come up with a list of superior alternatives.
- When it’s winter, drink hot chocolate. Who wants ground coffee beans when you could have sweet, steaming chocolate? It’s a busy day, phones are ringing, news is breaking, the world is collapsing — and you could sit down to heavenly liquid chocolate to warm you up. Also, nobody can disagree that it’s delicious. If you offered it to anyone, few would turn it down.
- When it’s summer, drink smoothies. Depending on where you live, it can hover around 90 degrees outside (or 32 degrees Celsius if you’re into that sort of thing). Who wants to ingest a hot beverage? Smoothies are cold, healthy, and easy to make. Plus, they come in a rainbow of colors — perfect for accessorizing with your clothes (if you’re into that sort of thing).
- If you need caffeine, kick back with a soda, aka. pop, Coke, or soft drink. I prefer calorie-free sodas, but it’s your call. Some people have a weird hang-up about not drinking sugar. Either way, soda is bubbly, refreshing, and provides just enough caffeine to sail through sleepy 2 p.m.
Don’t let those coffee drinkers bring you down. Always remember why those who remain coffeeless are better than our coffee-guzzling counterparts: no coffee breath and no stained teeth.
Smile away, my coffeeless brethren.