Hot coffee? Give me hot chocolate

Via Flickr user JenK ♥

Via Flickr user JenK ♥

People raise their eyebrows when I tell them. Some gasp. Others hold their mugs a little closer, as if shielding them from the crazy girl.

It’s true. I don’t like coffee.

I don’t stop at Starbucks in the morning. I don’t eat coffee-flavored ice cream or candy. You can be sure I’m not getting one of those coffee-scented candles.

I’ve tried to appreciate coffee. I really have. I’ve sipped it, trying to keep my grimace at bay. I’ve tried to understand the almost-addict culture surrounding the hot drink. But it’s no use.

Eventually, I realized there’s no reason I need to appreciate coffee. Let people think that I’m some sort of caffeine-hater when the truth is, I really just can’t stand the bitter taste. And I thought I was alone until I read this.

Fellow coffeeless writers! You exist too. So in honor of anyone who doesn’t like coffee or mocha or even the coffee-flavored frothy drinks that Starbucks sells for $5, I’ve come up with a list of superior alternatives.

    • When it’s winter, drink hot chocolate. Who wants ground coffee beans when you could have sweet, steaming chocolate? It’s a busy day, phones are ringing, news is breaking, the world is collapsing — and you could sit down to heavenly liquid chocolate to warm you up. Also, nobody can disagree that it’s delicious. If you offered it to anyone, few would turn it down.
    • When it’s summer, drink smoothies. Depending on where you live, it can hover around 90 degrees outside (or 32 degrees Celsius if you’re into that sort of thing). Who wants to ingest a hot beverage? Smoothies are cold, healthy, and easy to make. Plus, they come in a rainbow of colors — perfect for accessorizing with your clothes (if you’re into that sort of thing).
    • If you need caffeine, kick back with a soda, aka. pop, Coke, or soft drink. I prefer calorie-free sodas, but it’s your call. Some people have a weird hang-up about not drinking sugar. Either way, soda is bubbly, refreshing, and provides just enough caffeine to sail through sleepy 2 p.m.

Don’t let those coffee drinkers bring you down. Always remember why those who remain coffeeless are better than our coffee-guzzling counterparts: no coffee breath and no stained teeth.

Smile away, my coffeeless brethren.

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5 comments
  1. Yeah, why do I have to constantly defend my constitutional rights to not drink coffee?

  2. mark said:

    I used not to like the taste of liquid coffee. Yet my favorite ice cream was coffee. It didn’t make sense so I forced myself to retry the liquid variety. Actually, if you get the right coffee bean properly brewed, the drink can be magical. In just a few years, I’ve transformed myself into a coffee freak. I’ll drink them all, from high-brow blends ground by snobby baristas (itself a snobby word) to the free coffee offered by Publix to enhance the shopping pleasure. I do have a few hard and fast rules: (1) black only. No sugar, milk, cream, or anything that would pollute the coffee. [If God had intended for coffee to have sugar, he would have made the beans sweet!] (2) NO FLAVORED coffee. I hate the whole idea of “chocolate raspberry” or “hazelnut”, etc. ad infinitum. I relish the different kinds of beans, different areas of cultivation, and wide variety of roasts, but that is it. I just want coffee in its natural state. (3) NO FREEZE DRIED powder. I know that Starbucks is marketing its own freeze-dried. You can’t fool me! My wife suprised me by purchasing a coffee machine. At first I thought the expense way too much, but after drinking its end product, I don’t know why I managed without it. We even purchased a latte machine from a Border’s Bookstore that was shutting its doors. This is one industrial model! [Note: You’d never catch me drinking a latte; it is srictly for Michelle.] Why your alternatives don’t make the grade: (1) re: Hot chocolate. It’s processed, not freshly ground. It requires a sweetener; thereby making it a fattening drink. (2) re: smoothies. No caffeine so no energy or problem-solving enhancement. High in sugar or corn sugar. (3) re: soda. ?? The worst. Absolutely no health value. Totally processed. Carbonation contributes to bone loss. Adina, please try a fine cup of freshly ground Columbian arabica. Best place to start. Once you’ve got that as your base, you can explore.

    • I think I’ve tried enough coffee by now, haha. It’s just not for me.

      • mark said:

        Schmendrick and Ganef met at a shul for the first time. Looking for commonality, Ganef asked Shmendrick – “Want a cup of coffee?” Schmendrick replied, “No thanks, I tried it one time but didn’t like it.” Ganef asked “So what’s your favorite baseball team?” Schendrick replied “None. I tried watching baseball one time but didn’t like it.” Ganef, a little flustered, asked “Do you bowl?” “No”, Schmendrick answered, “I tried it once but didn’t like it. But my son-” Ganef quickly interrupted “Must be an only child!”

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